I Drum

I woke up to someone counseling me on the circles under my eyes and showing me a small white spoon with white substance. I asked for more information! I continue to resist feeling clean, pure, and light in my physical body. A couple of weeks ago I went back into childhood remembering my love for Aida, a german woman who took care of us kids when mom went into the hospital for one of her "mental breakdowns." This brings up a huge wave of grief right now as I write. As a child I never grieved this emotional loss. I have not fully grieved it as an adult.

Last night after a day of clean eating and then a sharp turn the other direction I sensed myself as a baby at my mom's breast. The nursing at mouth was also a nursing at base/root chakra. One stimulated the other as if there were two mouths. I conclude that I lacked spiritual/emotional nourishment at critical stages of early development. At the funeral this week I noticed how many classmates were or are addicted to one thing or another. It takes a toll on the body. Would it be fair to say that all parents were and are undernourished spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically? That we live in a global environment that is mal-nourished?

I do have tools that can help me change compulsive eating patterns but I forget them and kick into auto pilot. My body can no longer handle the abuse. It's as if I don't yet have a whole and holy relationship with my body. Body has been separate. Today I sense a parenting (mothering and fathering) of this body child.

Food effects our emotions and our body causing depression and disease. There was something missing in my mom's milk because of her deep depression. There was something missing in the food she prepared. I need to -- change that to I will -- create this generative substance for myself around my actions. It's substance of consciousness. I need to -- change that to I will -- stop unconscious patterns and do somthing new. All physical portals require purification. It's scary to let go of the ground I've known. But let go I must.

How to be clean and high and grounded at the same time? That is new territory I want to explore. What foods support this state? What words and actions?

The cross currents have a lot to do with mom's depression. I'm seeing this for the first time. I'm seeing some of my patterns as her patterns. I can erase them -- cancel them out -- (there is some sort of attachment that is so resistant....ancestral?).

I am told to drum. I drum for myself, for mom, for my children, for our Earth Mother with Her mal-nourished systems.