Feedback Timing

I looked at/thought about “credibility” and my patterns of frustration and anger with people over the years. What is the pattern? I see that I get frustrated and angry when I hit a wall with people. What is a wall? A wall is a block in the connection; a lack of fluid feedback loops. What is the result or effect? I feel hurt and disrespected. Why? Blocks/disconnections are unnatural creating disharmony and stress.

I’m not good at suppressing or repressing emotions. I let them move….sooner or later. If I keep them underground for too long I let loose with a vengeance. If I talk about issues as I go there is an open, natural process in play rather than eruptions.

I got raging mad the other night when standing at the Grange kitchen sink with the woman whom I have been in conflict. Why? I was asking for information and clarification. Her response was for me to read her emails. This did not create connection and I spoke up. I was trying to soften the connection and she cut me off. Not okay with me.

When disconnections/lack of feedback loops become a pattern I let go and move on...sooner or later. I choose connections of harmony and peace in my environment. Sometimes there are individuals who refuse to let go. These people are stalkers who hold on in an attempt to control. This pattern is not natural or harmonious and creates toxins underground and above ground in the whole environment.

I attended a lecture on Mason bees yesterday and emailed this woman with some of the information. From “out of the blue” I began the email suggesting that she and I talk about our rifts and that I valued her and our friendship. She emailed back curtly with information, without emotional response. Why the change in my own feedback loop? I suspect the magical/shamanic way of Bees!

I saw her at a meeting last night and she was keeping her distance from me. One moment I walked by her and “out of the blue” I softly said, “Hi ______” and I reached out touching her arm patting her gently. Her distance changed after that.

So, my question now is why did my inner feedback loop change so that I softened toward her? It was not a conscious decision nor intention. I did not read a book about non-violent communication nor talk with anyone about conflict resolution. I did track my own patterns back to their roots and found answers. I did engage my own feedback loops. I observed and learned more about myself. This emotional and logical partnership created a new equation in my expression and thus in my life.

I have no expectations from this woman who I feel is dysfunctional. My intent is to give her space and in that give my own emotions a wide and airy feedback loop.