Grief Work

Shedding one's skin and old identity is intense and the grieving process deepens. I hit dark and lonely memories from childhood and see myself acting out patterns learned back then. When I get the connection I feel it in body/mind/heart and I scream...again and again and again. I will not hold on to these ghouls...they will pass through. And when I tell my old identity "no" to certain comfort food I feel a subtle blow to the "gut" as if I was kicked and the wind knocked out of me.

Boundaries are coming into play....and it's a battle! One flies high and dives low and the body is in the middle being tossed about like a ship on stormy sea. It's like an X with body at center core. Sometimes the waters both high and low are placid and other times it's rock and roll. Body works to stay on course. "Body is the cross over point between heaven and earth" is something I learned from Emissaries of Divine Light many years ago.

Today I met with a couple of men. One was very closed and grey. I was my cheerful and outgoing self and, like usual, attempted to connect with both of them. As I was saying goodbye to the closed man and outpouring my energy he made eye contact and actually opened up! -- for a second. I now wonder what he thought of that sparking connection. Did he think I was on
"the make?" I now wonder if I need to be less open and outgoing. Perhaps I need to have better boundaries for myself...and others. I'm not sure...these are new questions that come with new ground. I don't want to be drab, closed and grey. I want to color my world brightly. Perhaps I need outlets to do that...perhaps I will continue to find them. What do I do with this open heart that wants to ground in this realm? I keep moving.