Shape Shifting

Grounding continues. Forms take shape.

This morning I stand on high cliff next to a tall man. We both wear regalia and hold staffs in front of us. Humbling and powerful.

Radio program director and friend liked my radio presence and asked if she could hire me as co-host of the program. Very part time. Very unexpected.

Life unfolds through shifts and shapes.

Tonight I attend Potlatch Gala with Native community....people who share my values and language via indigenous thinking.

Dark Waters

A lot of "9" showing up today. That mystical number.

I've been using YouTube songs via Facebook to communicate with family that is in a disconnect right now.

Monday morning I was realizing how emotionless I was about family. I had no feeling of connection and had no emotion. (This reminds me of the biblical story where one man is asked by God to kill his child...and then he doesn't have to.) I had been thinking about when/if I would call or write to reach out to them.

Body didn't move in any direction so I stayed in that void. Until Monday morning when, without thinking, body turned to the phone and called leaving a message. I then received an email and we are now talking. I'm expressing boundaries that I've never offered myself or my family before. And I'm offering information about my own journey and being a parent at age 19. I will not be screamed at. I will be respected for my concerns. I will not be a target for your rage and defensiveness. Boundaries. I never had them growing up because we didn't talk about personal issues/feelings. Boundaries. I was not available as a young mother because of my relationship with Kundalini that took me out of body. It was not easy on my kids.

The journey has led me to ground in my body and in this world. Love has been woven angel to angel in my family. Now, we get to go deeper in our relationships because we are talking at a deeper level. Conflicts and breaks can be so valuable in this "capacity building" experience of Life.

"Negative" is an empty space of doing nothing and nothingness. It is the dark shadow of self. Fear not. Go there. Then turn around and welcome light with one round embrace. Such an emotional journey...exactly the way we are designed.

A feeling came through when I was being churned about without any ground under me. Thought that accompanied the feeling was: I am nowhere and I am everywhere. It was not a blissful feeling. I felt alone, sad and empty. Darkness can be like that. Darkness can trick you into thinking there is no light at the end of it. But...because of the inner work I've done I know sacred ground. Because of the inner work and my relationship with Spirit I am able to turn, turn, turn again and again.

I let go to a larger intelligence that is orderly in the chaos. I let go to LOVE's LIGHT.

Elders Storytelling Basket

I don't usually garden in the rain and wind but I'm on some sort of roll. I am pulling out "weeds" (no disrespect to the value of every plant) and mulching the outer and inner fence line of my circle garden. It seems so symbolic -- protecting sacred space -- by creating strong boundaries.

What a shift! As if the tide went out creating a void and then something new filling in! Like those huge waves after earthquake with inhale and then...powerful exhales. The radio show seemed to be a turning point as the next day life started to pick up momentum through new forms/matter.

During the Potlatch Fund grant writing session I kept getting the sensation that Circle of Life was like a basket. I spoke about it a couple of times. Circle of Life ~ A Storytelling Basket is being born.

I had lunch with Elders and not many were interested in filling out the needs assessment survey. I met with the Program Director to get her feedback regarding regarding my vision and action plans. Her first comment was there weren't enough people. I listened and accepted what she said. I saw myself letting go of this dream and doing some other work. I stayed grounded and at peace. I do trust the process and I do know how to turn without attachment. We kept talking and then...everything shifted. In five minutes she was handing out surveys and telling the Elder group that I was writing a grant and they could share their stories on radio and visit other tribes. She also mentioned that I was going to help create a garden as she had told me this was something they had wanted. So, what happened here? It's that positive and negative give and take. Everything went out the window at first -- there was a void. Okay. Then something filled in. Okay. This feels like the pattern 8. Must be that basket revealing its shape.

I am thriving on the language of UIATF initiatives and the wellness models on their website. I kept thinking about "capacity building" and how structure must be filled in first with spirit between people (via emotional intelligence and expression) before it moves to the next level of capacity. I found the perfect explanation of "capacity building" on the UIATF website.

The image coming through is an 8 with upward spiral and downward spiral. Which is positive and which is negative? It looks like they take turns! They shift positions! Center point is key -- a grounding pad. So, it's an ongoing motion of shifting polarities. The two are one. Maybe the turmoil will settle down now that this is seen in consciousness after it's been felt in body.

From United Indians of All Tribes website:

Capacity Building - Beyond service delivery, individuals and communities have a critical role to play in their own healing and development. Wellness and prosperity
cannot be delivered to people through programs, no matter how well conceived and
executed those programs may be. Development comes from within. Healing comes
from within. For this reason, a significant portion of the Foundation’s programs and
initiatives focus on building the capacities of individuals, families and communities
to address their own sustainable wellbeing and prosperity.

I resonate with indigenous thinking! I feel like I've found my people and my language. It's a language that uses images from right brain of body. It's a language that is integrated with Nature. This language WILL NOT be lost! This language will be RESURRECTED! The whole brain and body will LIVE AGAIN!! I'm feeling religious! We give birth to a new religion that includes male and female, left and right brain, positive and negative. How fun!! I take time to celebrate...by baking rolls for a Grange Thanksgiving dinner and cleaning house. How nurturing is that? VERY.

Rise Up

I finally felt like working in my garden. Many days have felt like wings wrapped around me tightly and I had to stay in my cocoon. Now I feel more outgoing. Seems to be related to the chaotic tides that source from one's core. Stillness is critical...an art that has been forgotten in our "advanced" society.

I love working with the wheelbarrow. It's a good dance partner -- the one wheel is very maneuverable and we take the turns well. (Reminds me of the 3 new round-abouts that have been constructed here. It's fun to take those curves in my car. I love the motion and feel of that centri...force.) Wheelbarrow reminds me of Dad who used it to build rock walls and to give us kids rides. As I was shoveling and mulching I saw the earth move before me. I looked again....a salamander...black with a long gold stripe!!! Now, that is my idea of a true gift! Salamander was the first spirit animal to visit me in dreamtime many years ago.

I was talking to friend Lady Selah the other night and she mentioned she needed poetry for her radio show recording. I considered saying something about my poetry but held back momentarily. I did quietly mention it to her and she exclaimed, "And why don't I know that about you?" I guess I'm not good at promoting myself.

So, I spent yesterday afternoon at the radio station. I loved reciting the poems and felt very grounded. Thanks goodness I was not in one of those tidal waves. The studio was full of people: Peter Ali with his native flute music, a Puget Sound pirate, an Ojibwe storyteller (via phone) and another composer. There were a lot of challenges since this was the first taping and the engineer had a style unfamiliar to Selah, Program Director. So many things to anticipate before hand. The show will air Sunday, Nov 22 at 6:00 PM on 1150 AM -- Alternative Talk. I think my voice sounds very spacey and I'm self-conscious about the whole thing. And yet I better get over it if I'm to host a show with Native Elders and their stories.

I'm reading a summary review of the Pathways to Prosperity Initiative at UIATF. It's written by a genius...maybe several of them. I am now seeing how valuable formal education is if one is to be "successful" in this world. I am seeing how I have spaces in my brain that are vacant. There is language and information that I've never heard before. Layers and layers...spaces and spaces. As I read this sophisticated document I'm highlighting words and phrases that align with my vision of Circle of Life and assisting Elders in raising their voices. Next I have to ask them, "Do you want to raise your voice and add your story on the path of wellness? Do you want to be on radio and CD? Do you want to visit other tribes and exchange stories with other elders? Do you want more visibility via website and newsletter?" What new role do Elders play on the path to prosperity? I listen to their voices.

I think the problem with sophisticated grants is that the process cannot be organic. All these promises and projects are written down and expected to happen. I think it can be a set up for failure. Why? Because natural intelligence is organic and the pathway is shown as one moves on it....not before. This linear way of business is not natural. The community that is being served by the grant should be the ones determining what they want. Experts can be arrogant and leave out the very people they are trying to serve. More stillness...more listening space...less structure...more flow. And I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum where I try to fit my flow into a structure.

I was thinking that the reason for so much turmoil within is that a grounding is happening. The turmoil has to do with very sudden shifts of positive and negative feelings and thoughts in my body. These pertain to my own identity and have nothing to do with anyone else. So as the polarities shift and dance in intensity tidal waves are natural. I seek solid ground....and it is there even during the commotion. Everyone is feeling this intensity of shifting. It's a planetary song that is singing us. Rise up and sing!

Native Spirit

Ken Gordon, Exec Director of Potlatch Fund, is a hero. What is a hero? I'm seeing that a hero is well rounded. After spending two days with this man at his grant writing training I am appreciating his knowledge, emotional intelligence, humor and healthy boundaries. (He talked openly and clearly about his computer system stopping anyone from viewing pornography ... knowing that "boys will be boys.") This man with the New Zealand accent and Moiri association is making a profound and positive impact in Indian Country in Washington, Idaho, Montana and Oregon.

I learned so much about grant writing, made good connections and have new awareness regarding next steps for Circle of Life project. I am steering toward the Elders Program within United Indians of All Tribes. The grant will probably focus on education and culture via storytelling on radio and maybe CD if that is an interest of participants. I will do a "needs assessment" with the Elders Program Director. Another elder shared with me her interest in a native heritage library. What are the possibilities? The vision expands. Thanks to Obama I have additional weeks to let this unfold...and to begin grounding vision into action. For the record I continue to do my unemployment job searches!

Potlatch has a mini grant of $500 for those who attended the training. Ken said that few people take advantage of this offer. I will be writing this grant for some need at UIATF.

As I was driving home from Portland and after crossing the mighty Columbia River I connected with the trees expressing autumn. Tears crested without any thoughts. My heart must bypass my conscious mind at these times of connection and go straight to my subconscious. I am so in love with this land. What is a word for this love affair? Humans bypass this relationship and end up starved for deep nourishment. This relationship makes me Native! What is another word that encircles unity rather than diversity? We need new language.

Native is the heart of emotional connection. It's the song of place where spirit and matter merge. It is so very sacred and holy...and gives life meaning.

Gates of Hell

Gratitudes to Columbia River, Mt Hood, Pacific Ocean, green nature. Gratitudes for walking into beauty of a new circle of day and night. Gratitudes for turning.

Ghoul is parasite, is predator is toxic is black hole = Law of Repulsion.

Sun is giver, is creator, is alkaline is light shine = Law of Attraction.

Sun does not penetrate black hole -- it goes around. Why? Because black hole is void.

Humans have created monsters and demons out of this empty dark force. It is not a monster. It is present for us to go around -- which includes conscious awareness. It is present at all levels from micro to macro.

Attraction and repulsion can work together when healthy boundaries are present. This involves new programming and new system(s).

Intense Tuesday with positive and negative pulls and pushes. Felt like going through the gates of hell. Felt like fire and ice. I kept moving through it all. It was crazy! I was being torn apart as I was answering phone calls!

One day last week I awoke to an image of two halves. One side dark the other smooth and empty. My older sister came through the dark side. Emotional roots coming up! At my age I'm remembering my big sister who was not happy nor nice. At the same time I reached out to her for advice regarding my family crisis...she told me about working with trauma through somatic healing. People and the planet can use this healing work!

Last night I went for a walk here at my hotel. I was looking for Nature on the busy street. I saw a dark grey boulder near the sidewalk. I stopped to connect. A feminine lacy cedar tree was next to it. I looked down and my eye was in direct line with a heart rock! Nature is so giving...S/he is Law of Attraction.

In the disintegration was integration. Artist Roger encourages me to do my own illustrations since I have done the drawings with flowing lines and colors. He will support me. My timid side and insecurities come up around learning curves. It has to do with childhood stuff. I do thank Trish, however, for being who she is. My spirit loves my ego with its darker side of fear. I go around my fears.

A new development regarding my grant project. I was seeing myself going to native tribes to offer Circle of Life. Elders at United Indians are interested in going with me to Muckleshoot and the director of the program gave me permission to take some of them. She mentioned that they usually gamble...not something I do but can make adjustments. I am going to ask the elders if we can offer prayers to Green River. All this pending Muckleshoot response. This brings in new substance for the project and new information for grant writing. Which is what I now go participate in with Potlatch Fund.

I offended some Natives yesterday. I am learning to be quiet...usually after the fact. In my outreach to one woman she told me that she didn't want to connect with me. I didn't react. I stayed with her and somehow wove the word "love" into the conversation. Someone later in the day said that we are all family...I appreciated that. I am thinking about prayer this morning and wondering if its appropriate for me to offer a prayer before our workshop? It will depend on my emotional meter and whether my blood rises or not. My ego doesn't want to offend and be separate...my emotional blood has a mind of its own however and so I get to feel vulnerable. Which is more ego stuff!!!

Ahhh....this thing called Life!

Culture Shift

I notice a shift in my orb matter and my orbit. I used to battle with obsessive-compulsive patterns associated with food and eating. It was a daily grind. Now I notice the pattern has shifted from daily to weekly. For two days now I've been wanting to indulge and overeat. Self-talk did not get through. This seems to be about getting out of balance and into old familiar territory. And yet there is change! I'm happy to see the pattern as seeing is the first step to embracing. I eat green parsley that I used to crave as a child and I take burdock tincture that I made. I work to get my system back into balance. This work requires self love.

Something else is shifting. I am drawn to a new culture. I spent 9 hours yesterday at the American Indian Film Festival at Bellevue College. I love the documentaries. Powerful stories from veterans and a tribe resurrecting their language. The People of the Trees is especially moving because it honors the four directions and is set in our sacred rainforest. It was fun to see my friend at Muckleshoot in the film.

Today there is an event today about cattails with the Duwamish Tribe. I am drawn.

I am a woman without a tribe...without a culture. I am in between worlds trying to find ground.

Last night at the end of the film event there was time for discussion. I felt pressure within and watched myself: "Are you sure you want to raise your hand for the microphone? What do you have to say?" I wanted to say something about the whole...and had no idea what that was when I raised my hand. I let my emotion lead and my words followed. I feel very vulnerable when I do this. I am concerned about offending people and a culture. I always want to honor the larger tribe of one planet and one people. My last emotion was encircled with: "The planet is singing tonight." I don't speak to be popular...I speak because my emotional and mental bodies ask me to.

Ghoulish Profile

I had no interference on my computer for several days. It was so peaceful. Now, he's back. Some have suggested that something was/is wrong with my new computer (thankfully it' a netbook and not expensive). That is not true. Tracker hacked in through my old email address. It's a game he plays. Ghouls have profiles that seem to be associated with a thin membrane. It is as if there is no one home. I have witnessed this phenomena with Tracker. The signs are a vacant look in his eyes and body language. His body was present but his emotional and mental aura was not. The more he pesters me the more I understand and speak about his ghoulish profile.

Ghouls

Predators of this world -- and others -- have no moral compass; no boundaries. They intrude and prey on the force field of others. It's attention getting.

Where is the justice? It's present in the law of karma. These days that turn-around is swift and just.

What part of the brain is missing in a predator? The part that links them to emotional and social order. They simply don't get it. Some aspect of self and Self is missing in action.

I think the word is "sociopath." A body with no one home. Another word is "ghoul."
Last week I was seeing faces of these negative beings before sleep. I surround them in light.

Healthy Boundaries

Love is an alchemical process. It reminds me of white blood cells that fight to maintain health in one's body. Love is pointed in its path. It moves to establish harmony. Love is music of the spheres.

I choose not to be in toxic environments and relationships. That choice requires "discernment" through wisdom rather than "judgment" through ego. How does one learn discernment? How does one distinguish between these two filters?

I've been thinking about non-violent communication. I took that class years back. I thought it was phony requiring me to stuff my feelings and use a script. That outside-in orientation is totally against my feminine nature. I am spontaneous and flow in an organic process. Don't fence me in--I need a lot of space and freedom of creativity! This requires a strong relationship with my masculine nature which is an ongoing learning process.

My pattern has been to be silent so that I don't hurt feelings or break relationships. That is changing as I find myself in "instant karma" -- words speaking my heart-mind.

If one doesn't say to someone that their behavior is inappropriate how is that person going to consider that they may need to make some adjustments? How will boundaries be learned...and set? It's time for healthy boundaries defined by the power of Love.

It all begins with Self-Love. I have to have my own boundaries in place first. When that is intact then I will know the language of Love that shifts matter.

Reptilian Brain

I heard Deepak Chopra on Larry King/CNN the other night. He was part of a panel responding to the horrific male violence toward a 15 year old girl. There was discussion about brain function, emotional retardation and emotional intelligence.

I am an "advocate" for the reptilian brain because I have so many reptilian friends in the spirit world. My mystical experiences have shown me that I am directly related to reptiles. We share a common spinal chord associated with kundalini fire. When we transcend the brain we fly into other dimensions, realities and intelligences.

All parts of the brain must work together in cooperation. It's whole system design that continues to evolve. When humans stop dissecting and analyzing in linear/male fashion and start to integrate and include in non-linear/female fashion there will be greater knowing.

Perhaps Deepak's new book gives the reptilian brain a voice. I don't remember the title of that book. I do remember the color and design. I haven't "grounded" yet with the book which means to focus my eyes and see the details. I am SO right brained and it's not always convenient. In fact it creates more work in this realm. However, it has other advantages. It allows me to fly and see the whole.

Trim Tab

An "inner compass" requires someone to be in the driver's seat. Someone to pull in the reigns when feelings or thoughts get out of line. Someone to monitor the balance of feeling, thought, word and action. Someone to keep all points well rounded and moving in evol.

If male is masculine force and if female is feminine force who is overseeing these two opposite forces?

Seems to be some transcendent force above, below and through it all.

Years ago I drew such an image and wrote on the page "songlines." If I was more linear and left brained I would have written the date also.

I'm going to show this image to native artist Roger tomorrow. I hope to have this image on the Circle of Life stories CD. Are not stories songlines? Stories, that have a beginning in the East, challenges in the South, Solutions in the West and a full circle closure of wisdom via gratitude in the North?

I've also referred to the image as Dragon Eye...and I AM.

I think of "trim tab." What force brings this information into conscious mind? Information that supports via inspiration. Spirit is a magical and unifying force!



trim tab 
–noun Aeronautics.
an independently controlled tab set in the trailing edge of a control surface, as an elevator, aileron, or rudder, to hold it in a position suitable for stabilizing the aircraft in a flight attitude.

Angel Wings

Angel wings/arms reach out arcing and pulling parts into light and love.

Evil reaches out pulling one into field of dark chaos. Evil is present when angel wings are not.

It's time for humans to re-member their wings and unfurl their angelic nature. The effect is a reorientation of compass points.

All things are made new.