Mending of Hearts

My sister sent the following email in response to my asking her how she wanted me to respond to her chapter. It helped alleviate the sick feeling inside. Always grateful.

Mainly I'm trying to get across that, at this late date in life, I was still wrestling with childhood issues and I had to do go back and unearth more truth for myself... the getting better part comes in the last couple of chapters so if this one seems like a downer at least know that resolution is coming..... Thanks, love, C.

I also had a conversation with the Patriarch of the family. He did handle the most current drama in a good way and said that he would not apologize but would be willing to talk with the other person. That's a good step!

Dramas wrap around and then untangle and wrap around some more. Tension rises to be smoothed out. Change happens.

She Wolf

At a very low point yesterday Wolf came in informing me to turn Tracker over to them. What a relief to simply let go to this circle of beings surrounding me. I could never have thought of this with my linear brain. Creative answers are in the circle and psyche...similar to a quote I read by Joseph Campbell today.

Wolf continues to be a companion...light colored fur as close as my skin and my hands run through it. I'm reading about She Wolf and werewolf.

Yesterday I did something that I've never done before. I invited my community to join me in a toast, music and dance to celebrate my birthday, November 30. It doesn't matter if anyone shows up. What is meaningful to me is that I have a community around me.

Wolf Medicine

In a moment I felt full roundness of contentment and I wondered at it: how long will this last? In a moment I felt full roundness of chaos and I wondered at it: how long with this last? Rhythmic patterned 8 churns like the ocean in ebb and flow. Sometimes horizontal, sometimes vertical and sometimes all angles in between. It’s a constant flow of change.

In a moment I thought: I have not had a “shamanic” experience for awhile. A day later wolf and wolves come in distant at first but then I was running my hands through fur. Wolves surrounded me.

As I reach out and invite a few men and women to gather around me in circle of protection I see that I am calling in my wolf pack. It’s clear that this pack holds “heart” and what that means will be revealed by the pack. This heart includes mind and brings with it new ways of seeing and being.

Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams & David Carson
Wolf
Teacher
Wolf is the pathfinder, the forerunner of new ideas who returns to the clan to teach and share medicine. Wolf takes one mate for life and is loyal like Dog. If you were to keep company with Wolves, you would find an enormous sense of family as well as a strong individualistic urge. These qualities make Wolf very much like the human race. As humans, we also have an ability to be a part of society and yet still embody our individual dreams and ideas.

In the Great Star Nation, Wolf is represented by the Dog Star, Sirius, which legend tells us was the original home of our teachers in ancient times. Sirius was thought to be the home of the gods by the ancient Egyptians, and is still considered so by the Dogan tribe in Africa. It stands to reason that Native American people would formulate this same connection and adopt wolf people as the clan of teachers.
The senses of Wolf are very keen, and the moon is its power ally. The moon is the symbol for psychic energy, or the unconscious that holds the secrets of knowledge and wisdom. Baying at the moon may be an indication of Wolf’s desire to connect with new ideas which are just below the surface of consciousness. Wolf medicine empowers the teacher within us all to come forth and aid the children of Earth in understanding the Great Mystery and life.

If you have drawn Wolf’s card, you may be able to share your personal medicine with others. Your intuitive side may also have an answer or teaching for your personal use at this time. As you feel Wolf coming alive within you, you may wish to share your knowledge by writing or lecturing on information that will help others better understand their uniqueness or path in life. It is in the sharing of great truths that the consciousness of humanity will attain new heights. Wolf could also be telling you to seek out lonely places that will allow you to see your teacher within. In the aloneness of a power place, devoid of other humans, you may find the true you. Look for teachings no matter where you are. Wolf would not come to you unless you requested the appearance of the tribe’s greatest teacher.

CONTRARY:
If Wolf is reversed, you are being asked to expand your limited view of the present situation. Doing this may entail a great deal of courage and a willingness to look at new ideas. It could also require that you delete some old ideas to make room for the expansiveness that always comes when you are willing to learn. The gift of wisdom comes to you when you have walked enough pathways and found enough dead ends to truly know the forest. In the discovery and rediscovery of every inch of ground comes the knowledge that nothing ever remains the same.

Contrary Wolf may also be telling you that stagnation or fear of asserting your viewpoint has bogged down the flow of change in your life. Wolf reversed is always urging you to see the teachers or pathfinders that will show you the way to new life experiences. Remember, the teacher or pathfinder may be the small still voice within, as well as a person, a leaf, a cloud, a stone, a tree, a book, or the Great Spirit.

To live is to grow, and growing comes through accepting all life forms as your teachers. Become Wolf, and take up the sense of adventure. You may just stop howling and learn to become the moon.

Shock Absorption

My friend Mishal and boss acted as shock absorbers for me re the arson fire at the garden. The new circle of friends I now create serves in the same way.

For many months I ignored Tracker not giving him any power. There were some intense encounters that I never spoke of/wrote about. In the past couple of months strange things have been going on in my home. Three different times upon returning home I noticed that objects were rearranged. I know because I am very tidy and put things back where they live. Did Tracker enter my home and alter things because he wasn’t getting any attention? Or do I have a poltergeist or yet another creep invading my space? I don’t like calling people names…it’s not “spiritual.” However creepy behavior is done by creeps. Spirituality is not only Peace and Love; it is also Justice and Truth. Those polarities are coming into focus.

As turmoil swirls on the periphery I feel deep contentment at my core. And just an hour ago I was thinking that I don’t belong on this planet. Such strong polarities! For me feeling has more power than thought. Feeling resonates deep within my core whereas thought is on the periphery. And so I take another step into another day…to feed my friends ’chickens as I tell my story step by step.

Assault

Thanksgiving
11/24/2011
8:00 AM

Tracker harassment escalated yesterday. Is computer hacking his way of being close? Once again I reported him to IT at the library...maybe one day they will bhelieve me and investigate. Is stalking telepathically and physically his way of having a relationship? It does seem that way. His toxic invasions of personal space go against natural law and order.

Does this harassing invasion give Tracker a sense of power? Truth is this is not power at all but a lack of heart and emotional intelligence.

I am choosing to tell my story to more people and gather a circle of support that is more than energetic. Speaking the truth is powerful in this new time of transparency. I call in others to gather around for protection against invasive predators. This is a personal and collective call. We rise up and speak out for justice of the Sacred Feminine that lives in both men and women.


11:00 AM

I considered whether or not to post this. I am responsible for letting Tracker into my psyche and heart years ago. I am responsible for looking for love in all the wrong places. Do I blame dad? Do I blame my upbringing? No. This is one of the lessons and teachings that I chose in this lifetime.

I considered a different approach perhaps with more empathy. And in the midst of that consideration/contemplation I received a phone call from a friend who walks daily through the Heritage Circle Garden that I manage. She informed me that the garden’s Trapper’s Cabin (that was just re-roofed, painted and white washed by Eagle Scouts) was burned to the ground. I called my boss who leases the 70 acres and asked him to call the police. He agreed.

Was the assault from Tracker yesterday the same as the assault at my garden? Yes. This disregard for personal space is linked and swimming in the darkness of ignorant adolescence.

How do we, those interested in the light of higher consciousness, respond? We gather in circle of protection.

Link In, Link Out

She speaks for herself. There are more than one “he” in her experience which compounds the drama. Dramas live on the periphery…let’s go to the core.

He wants sex She wants relationship
He wants distance She wants closeness
He wants secrets She wants transparency

This disconnect, this brokenness, between the +/- parts permeates the systems of the whole. What does that scientific equation look like? Why is it overlooked? Is it that difficult to see? Yes, when there are so many distractions. Let’s get to the heart of the matter!

The polarization we see in the world around us is a reflection of inner polarization. If I want justice I must be just. If I want peace I must be peaceful. If I want love I must be loving. This is pure logic, pure intelligence. The dramas being played out in so many systems are old and boring, stagnant and ignorant. The old dramas are failing and will continue to do so. Nothing is the same because relationship, closeness, transparency is moving in people and between people. The core is speaking up through men and women.

Healing begins within one’s heart and mind and is expressed/released through one’s physical senses. This emotional intelligence has an influence on the one holding it as well as on one’s relationships. Nothing can stay the same as new stimulation is fed/incoming and feeding/outgoing: circulating! Another aspect of +/ -.

Without +/- there is no creative and dynamic tension that can move e-motionally. Without +/- there is no fire. Without fire there is no circuit. Without connections there is no circuitry. Without circuitry there is separation, disconnection, disease and death.

How many are willing to open heart and mind to something new? How many are willing to change and evolve? It does take time, effort and intention. It is work. Let’s be happy about it. Let’s see Truth in the chaos. Let’s speak and act in Truth.

Let’s feel the juice of life flowing through our parts and our whole and celebrate this sacred cosmic glue even as things come apart at the seams.

Through love we evolve and change together. Such is the way of emotional intelligence.

Change

The oldest sister is two years ahead of me. She is a psychotherapist and is writing her life story. She sent me her chapter about growing up in Puyallup. She is intelligent and I enjoyed reading her experience until she made hateful comments about mom and dad that made me feel sick in heart and stomach. Now I’m not sure how to give her feedback. I don't want to stay on the periphery. So, do I tell her that she chose her parents and family for lessons in this lifetime? Do I tell her that she came into this life with karmic patterns? Do I tell her again that mom, dad and all five of her siblings adored her putting her on a pedestal? Do I tell her she was just like mom and dad: unavailable emotionally with dark clouds around her? How much can I say to my oldest sister who never was?

Son-in-law and daughter-in-law are no longer tiptoeing around the patriarch of the family. Thanksgiving dinner is a bust. I told him I was going hiking where it is peaceful (though I’ve since received two invitations to dinners) and that I was sad our family is so broken. Will he have a change of heart? Will he be willing to apologize to one and bend for the other?

I had a blind coffee date last week. He’s an older man yet probably my age. I forget how old I am/look as I feel younger than I did at 25. He’s involved in Mountaineers and gardening and is interested in seeing the Heritage Garden that I manage. He’s also a widower who talks a lot about his wife. His slow and quiet demeanor was peaceful. No sparks of attraction…which could be a good thing knowing my track record with men. I welcome male friends into my life.

My boss was saying that he took his kite on his Mexican vacation with his partner. Kite! I love to fly kites. So what if I announced into the cosmos: Mature woman seeking man to fly kites. Truth is I love being single with no one in my personal space. I love the independence and that I only have to deal with my own baggage.

My part-time hours at work are being cut back for the winter season. I called a local retirement home to see if I might teach my Circle of Life class. She hired me immediately for April in their Family Ties series. She asked about my fee: $50, $75? I didn’t want to be greedy so I accepted $50 an hour. I immediately went to the library and printed out pages and pages of other retirement homes in King County. I would love to teach Circle of Life to supplement my income.

One Mirror Many Mirrors

I was angry twice last week. Both times sitting next to women. Both times these women felt like ice – one an ice wall and the other two icicle daggers. I noticed how anger moved in my body. It was hot and consuming. It had nowhere to go as I didn’t express it. Where does that anger live now?

When I am happy energy circulates outward through my whole system. Where does that happiness live now? Emotions are signals that detect the status and health of relationship. They are indicators in our personal and planetary system.

I attended a SCALLOPS meeting (Sustainable Cities All Over Puget Sound) in Seattle on Saturday. SCALLOPS is comprised of 69 Sustainable and Transition groups. I was surprised at the dark clouds that consumed me when I walked into the room. Was it the space, my chemistry or some of the people? Transition has a Heart and Soul component that gives attention to the quality of individual expression and our relationships. SCALLOPS does not have this component in the same deliberate and upfront way. Could this make that much difference?

I offered Transition Woodinville as host for the next SCALLOPS meet up on the Eastside and am now able to plug in to an efficient communication system. I was given all the contact information I need to reach out and invite other city groups to participate. In a collective SCALLOPS email I noticed that Transition wasn’t mentioned in association with my name…in fact it wasn’t mentioned at all. I asked for that to change. It seems like a little thing but it is huge to me. It’s about inclusion and honoring the individual parts. I will not support egos or play politics. And as I say that I have to check in with myself and watch if I do walk my talk.

What is mirrored in the whole is a reflective picture of what is transpiring in the parts. This holographic feedback reveals national dramas of men treating women and young boys as sex objects. This is a serious illness. It’s time for men to change their patterns of denial to honesty and distortion to clarity. It’s time to cleane and shine up our one mirror of many mirrors.

Community Amplified

I/we stand on Mother Earth skin to skin. I/we stand in Mother Earths’ electromagnetic field halo to halo. I look at that word and see aloha/love to aloha/love. This new force field around Mother imprints a matrix of new frequencies, pathways, patterns and systems. Earth body holds lines of force both energy and matter. We hold space and spin through space as a body of Light.

Mother Earth experiences bombardment from outsiders who want power over her. She knows of their presence via radar of the senses. Neither their will nor intention can break through the collective force field around her. Her message to them is to come out of the darkness and into the light. And her message to other outsiders who want power with us is also to come out of the darkness and into the light. These are no longer shadow times and spaces. These are transparencies in Light.

At my new job I’m weaving parts together at a business that is part of 70 acres called Sammamish Valley Farm. I’m creating a calendar of events and my boss used the words “community center” the other day. Yes, that is what is being created...a "power point" I heard myself say to someone on the phone. (The image that came through was an eye of a needle with many threads.) It’s a lot of work creating new focus and direction and it’s especially challenging creating the systems that will allow the center/community to function smoothly. My left brain feels stretched and overwhelmed but I know that it will sort itself out as systems are created...lines fall into place.

Last night's Full Moon Fire Circle was enchanting. Moon shadows were misty and mystical. As I was chatting with Carl I looked to the open area East of the fire pit and saw wildflowers. I now know to plant wildflowers!

A line of connection reopened with a woman who had become estranged. I noticed recently that our emails were taking on old tones of dissonance. I called her suggesting that we meet for lunch and talk rather than email. She agreed. It’s not a big deal to simply shift direction openly and honestly. I have a new experience of “love” with this woman. Conflict can be turned around to create a passionate relationship. Once again it’s a new quality of love…a new sort of passion that needs a word wrapped around it. Perhaps Sanskrit holds that word. Perhaps it has to do with Karmic relationships and lessons.

I had a conflict this week with another woman. I didn’t see any way out of the darkness. I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. And yet the ball was in my court to take action. So, I simply told the truth saying that this person had not communicated with me as the manager of the garden; that I had been left in the dark. Now at budget time I needed clarification and communication. Yes, I included her in that communication. Three of us had a meeting and clarification and communication happened. As I looked into this woman’s dark eyes I felt the same passion that I have for this other woman who had been a challenge. I’m thinking now that this love for them is also about love for my own self. I learned a lot from them…they acted as teachers for me. What word could wrap around this type of love? Karma?

Today, 11-11-11 is a significant day. I had several invitations to attend social events tonight. I choose to attend Community Mythology in a city to the East to see if it resonates with me. I’m always looking and listening for individuals and groups that can merge with Transition Woodinville’s Heart and Soul group. What might open up with this group?

I’m very good at holding space alone. That alone space is shifting as new people, groups, networks flood in to be organized and shaped into a new whole. We do this together through vibratory resonance. I hold personal vibratory space and as others do the same we merge into a larger vibratory space. A new friend uses the word “entrainment” a lot. Is this entrainment? I prefer the word resonance that to me associates with sound, color, and all the senses. Entrainment sounds mechanical. Resonance sounds soft. Words hold their own vibratory space. Not a right and wrong...simply what works for my senses.

I notice that I am now organizing a year out. Less spontaneity and more planning makes a more efficient and sustainable organization. I used to resist this long term planning but now see how valuable it is at this new level of community engagement.

Tomorrow a friend and I are attending a SCALLOPS meeting that encompasses 69 Sustainable Cities and Transition Towns in Puget Sound. They meet twice a year. A couple of us with eastside Transition groups want to have a 2012 Transition Summit so that we can meet one another and hear story threads that hold both challenges and solutions. Will there be any resonance person to person and with the whole group? I never have expectations. I go to Be, watch, listen, speak and act. There is a lot more of that going on these days and the fun factor of community is picking up pace and amplification.

Occupy LSX response to Rob

I wrote this in response to Rob Hopkins' Some reflections on a day at Occupy LSX at St Paul’s Cathedral at http://transitionculture.org.

Change happens. David Korten (author of Agenda for a New Economy) spoke at our recent New Livelihoods Job Fair sponsored by Transition Snoqualmie Valley and Community Network. He is an excellent resource for both Transition and Occupy. He sees this current change as the “Second Declaration of Independence.” I would change it to “Interdependence” as that is the evolving perma-culture matrix on Mother Earth. As a mystic and shaman I see our change happening energetically. Meaning our brain waves are shifting to higher frequencies and since we are interconnected to Mother under our feet she too is going through a global brain transformation. This is core stuff…as we hold the space for positive change for the parts of one whole. Thank you, Rob.

Oops!

My feelings after the New Livelihoods Job Fair experience:

Oops…I hugged a couple of people who did not know me
Oops…I went beyond Circle of Life 101 in my class. I didn’t stay on the periphery but went to the core.
Oops…I linked arms with people to dance (during speaker David Korten’s dance break) who were standing idle…some refusing to budge

Why all the feelings of “oops?” Guess I’m not comfortable pushing other people’s comfort zones. And yet that is what I am “pushed” to do. It’s part of my Nature to invite others to move in rhythm and harmony as one whole. It’s much more fun and lively to dance together than to sit/stand on the sidelines e-motionless.

Preparing for my Core Gifts/Circle of Life talk at New Livelihoods I read in an article on Drum Therapy that Beta waves (focused concentration and activity) change to Alpha waves (calm and relaxed). I’ve been referring to Beta waves as linear thinking and Alpha waves as non-linear. I don’t do mental engagement/concentration very well. I’m much more fluid and airy…not at all practical in this realm of achieve, achieve, achieve. I’d rather Be, Be, Be. It’s such a different space...in all directions. I’m seeing the brains waves mapped out in a circle. I wonder how those parts would be identified. The drumming I did was very short in duration and yet it shifted my brain waves (I feel it at the top of my head) and I saw that it did have an effect on one woman.

Delivering my Core Gifts class was a challenge. I feel, think and move in circles and I think my 8 students may have been spinning a bit. However, I did bring them around to ground regularly. I experienced a new quality of Love with a couple of the women who were engaged and supportive of the process. It’s Love that has to do with a new role as “teacher.” It’s too new to describe. My least favorite moment in the class was when I could not remember “beta” and somehow “theta” came into form. In the moment I had to talk about my left brain weakness. My most favorite moment was at the end when everyone had finished their map. I had no previous idea how I would end the class. And in the open process of whole brain knowing an image came to me of stepping out of the circle of life (at the beginning we had stepped into it). We stepped out and let go of the identities, patterns and stories we had just drawn and discussed. It worked...especially for one woman who openly talked about it.

It was my daughter’s birthday. I bought her the book Happiness for Dummies and asked that we turn the football game off and each one open the book spontaneously and read a section. Son-in-law reacted for a second but complied. The book has a good chapter on raising happy children. Now there’s a tool for discipline and consequences: reading how to be happy. Wear that around your neck, have that in the car, and in each room of one’s house. No more belts, paddles, wooden spoons, guns, knives, bombs, grenades…. Happiness is the weapon in our new Age. It’s good for the economy…the economics of happiness in the parts and in the whole.

Archangel Michael’s sword fights Darkness with Light. Happiness is a sword that teaches balance, harmony, respect, Love. Happy people are swords of Light. Can we please imprint that theme in our movies, reality shows, tv dramas? The magical powers of happiness!

One man in the class questioned me as to why I was talking about positive and negative opposites in relationship to a circle. My answer was that the two create a tension and the dance is circular and as an image floats in I say that the circle is spiral in motion upward in evolution or downward in stagnation. And yet, as I flow in this lengthy here/now stream of consciousness, I hear and see that this is not true. There is more beyond linear seeing/thinking. The spiral is both positive and negative above and below. Ascension and decension are one flow and not opposites. Say what? I stay tuned to learn more. The opposites are in the flow...not separate.

My brain continues to struggle with sequential and logical details. Sometimes I simply am blank with information overload.